lots of things on my mind

Depression: I have had a problem with depression since I was injured when hit by a car on a bicycle in 1985. I started writing songs as a cure for depression and then moved to Hollywood in 1989. I moved back to the desert in 2007. I think one of the biggest reasons for my depression has been people who flake on me or those who refuse to help me. It brings despair to the soul and how does one deal with it? The way I deal with it is to pray. It is the only thing that gets me through the callous disregard that people have shown me throughout the years. I have yet to meet anyone who has ever been willing to help me with my music or to help type up my writings. I guess one of the reasons it is so hurtful is that I have always been willing to help others as much as possible. I am getting to a place physically where I can't do that anymore ( help others ). And while I have never been in a financial place to help others, my own family has decided that unless I can grease their greedy palms they have no interest in helping their almost elderly disabled sister. So why do I still love them and wish they would give a damn about me? I have yet to figure that one out. My two younger sisters have told me more than once they do not know me. Whose fault is that? They have never shown any interest in getting to know me. My youngest sister said some horrible and spiteful things to me about me that were not only lies but they were lies thrown out with the intention of cutting as deeply as possible. And why is that? Because she doesn't know me? So the depression lingers even though there is a part of me that is quite happy with my new digs. You love people and they then turn around and treat you like something they scrape off the bottom of your shoe --- that hurts. And again, there is nothing one can do but pray --- and forgive those who never step up to the plate. 

I believe that the depression that I have now is deeply rooted in my frustration. I am frustrated over the circumstance of my life. Yes, I am happy that I have this little one bedroom apartment and I am happy that I now have some new ( for me ) furniture ( couch, lounge chair rocker, a couple of end tables ) for my new living room. I am thankful for section 8 and thankful for my SSI BUT I want so much to be self-sufficient. I will continue to keep that goal in the foreground and work towards it. I know I am not worthless and I know how hard I have worked on my writings and my songs over the years. And I will not give those who criticize me anything except my contempt. They have never tried to get to know me or to help me. And when ( ever the optimist ) I do become successful in my chosen fields I will take care of ME and any the Lord asks me to help. But those who tear me down and those who have flaked on me over the years --- don't stand in line for a handout. Because your hand will return empty and be left hanging in air, the same air you have left me hanging in for much of my life. 

Now about that couch --- I lucked out on getting a couch. Couches online have seldom been for under a hundred bucks and lousy looking ones at that. So right down the street the other day an elderly gentleman was selling a very nice couch for 45 dollars and it now sits in my living room. I also bought a lounge rocker which folds out like an easy chair. That was 25. So I can now invite my mom over to visit. Yippee! After living in single apartments for so many years it is still such a new thing to have a LIVING ROOM that is not also my bedroom.

I have been working on the idea of putting together a presentation of all I have created over the decades and trying to find a big mega company ( someone like Microsoft or Google rather than a publisher ) to sign an exclusive licensing agreement with me. AFAIK there has not been an individual who has approached a tech or internet sort of company about artistic stuff.  I could be a trailblazer in this. As I work towards this goal I will post how things go. Tech companies have been paying out hundreds of millions of dollars for web portals such as Facebook. If you are a computer geek then do some coding and gain an audience and then the attention of the big dogs in the industry. You'll then stand not only to make millions but hundreds of millions and even the potential to make the B word. So why aren't those of us who are right brained rather than left brained getting a piece of the pie? 

I am here to announce that I am internet THREE. That will be what I will be presenting to those I approach. Right now we are in internet 2. And what is internet 3? I believe it will be people like myself, the right brained freaks who write our songs and poetry and other musings at 3 am. I will be talking about more of this in the future as I believe that I AM the face of the future.  The "normal" savant growls!

I am the face of the future and I am Bohemian. I am right brained. I am a southpaw. I am a night owl. I am an artistic person living in a world that views those who create as being "starving artists" unless one goes and gets a degree to "learn to be an artist" rather than those of us who got our degrees in the school of hard knocks ( in which I have a doctorate ). They look down their dry, dull noses at us and toss us out as if we were garbage and filth. Unless, of course, we ARE garbage and filth then they glorify us and call us "artistic" ( sorry, but I do not believe in political correctness or in blasphemy or foul language nor do I call people who insult my intelligent with the use of that as "artistic" ). BUt I hope my day is coming, a day when someone who is latently artistic and also not going along with whatever current trend on the left or the right goes along with can have her day. 

I have discovered David Pink. I saw a program of his on PBS and then looked him up on the net ( amazon ). I love what he is saying and hope to quote some of it when I finally make my presentation to whomever I seek out. He says people like myself are the wave of the future. It is ironic how some of what he is saying is something that I saw for the turn of this past century. I was obviously a bit before my time and that vision has not yet come to past. He said that the new creativity that will come out of the next age will be as sweeping as the industrial revolution or the renaissance. I can remember thinking that it would be like the renaissance  but that was something I saw in the 1970s. I believe it could have happened sooner but the information age has been fighting and screaming and trying to suppress creativity for decades. Manufactured information and manufactured stars is what they want as they have control over them. The internet is something that has been showing them that a new day is dawning. They want to control that but I hope and I pray that the artists out there will not sell themselves short as they have done for centuries. It is OUR turn. It is our turn to be recognized and to be paid what we are due. Because heaven knows we have been paying our dues and not collecting on them ( with a few exceptions here and there and isn't it strange how the public resents an actor or singer making 20 million but it has no problem with an unknown business or tech person making 5 or 10 times or more of it for the same amount or less work? ). 

Ok, this is getting War and Peace length. Time to post it to my blog and take a little breather. 

Very snooty with an artistic attitude and temperament...

SAC