And then there is my fuzzy mind. I think the moving 3 times in the last year and a half is what is creating the fuzziness. I was thinking as soon as I moved in that I would get my life back to what it was before all the drama before moving began but that is just not happenin'. I don't know how long it is gonna take to get the happy go lucky me back. I am a bit agitated that it has not happened sooner.
And then there is the situation with my family, the brothers who are too selfish to do anything for mom or for me. It hurts to know that even though it is sometimes painful for me to get around, my brothers could help but they don't or won't. And they are the same way with mom. Hopefully once I am really settled in here and able to get around better I will not be as frustrated and depressed.
And then there is the depression. Ironically, it was the songwriting that brought me out of depression that then was the catalyst for my moving into Hollywood years ago. So here I am back in Indio where I have such horrible depression after my car accident ( car hits bicyclist, car one, bike zero ), the neuritis and the depression over the neuritis.
I am fighting for my lemonade out of lemons. At this point it is the sour lemon that is being squeezed and I am looking around for some sugar to add to it to make that lemonade. I thought, before I moved out of Hollywood, that I was at the lemonade point of building a lemonade stand to sell my lemonade from the lemons life had given me. But once again life handed me another lemon and said "Squeeze this."
I am hoping that by this time next year that not only will I be settled into my new place ( and not moving unless something major GOOD happens such as my suddenly becoming rich and famous or even comfortable and well known ) but that I would be happy and bright, that things would be more of an even keel. There is a huge part of me that just wants to continue working on my writings and my songs and another huge part of me that says "How do I market what I have created?" But while I have done some creating I am full of angst. Ok, it is not quite the degree of angst that I have been going through since the big move, but still, it would be nice to finally bid it adieu for good. Angst is something one endures in their adolescence. It is REALLY OLD when one is 60.
The year is still young and I need to look and the half full glass of lemonade. And I am still old ( ok, getting older, I won't call myself OLD until I get to be 65 ).
Libby and my niece Keturah are coming up tomorrow from Orange County and Long Beach. It will be great to see them as I have not done so since around Christmas. and Libby mentioned that they will take mom and me around to do some shopping. Wooohoooo. Nothing like having my sister come up from Orange County 50 miles or more to take mom and me shopping while my deadbeat brothers can not get off their moochy behinds to take mom and me shopping even once a month. So I need to sit down and make my little shopping wish list ( wish I could go here to go shoppng, wish I could go there to go shopping, etc ).
Need to hobble down to the bank and see about cashing a check. The manager where I used to live ripped me off for 70 bucks for "shampooing the carpet" from my security deposit. GRRRRRR. That apartment was CLEAN when I left but hey, ripping off a poor tenant for whatever you can, what re apartment managers for, right? But I should feel lucky I got back anything. Managers are so notorious for ripping off good tenants for security deposits. Since I
am on section 8 I am going to report the situation to my worker as the manager signed off that the apartment looked good when I left. so why deduct an expense that the apartment company should be paying for? Those carpets were clean and that expense should not have been on my shoulders.
I dread the thought of walking to the bank because my knee hurts. But it is something that I need to do. And I know the deadbeat brothers are not going to step up to the plate to do anything for me because they are "too busy."
This month has been my month to move in, feel settled rather than transient and I do feel settled, to a certain degree. I do feel as if I am "home" rather than waiting for the next move like I felt while I was living in Cat City. Next month I am going to have to force myself to try and get more things done -- get to the Social Security office, see about signing up for an HMO so I can start seeing doctors, see if I can get out of that stupid jury duty thing, maybe get a few more things out of storage, just try and get things to where I am can then relax a little and get back into my comfort zone. But at this point I am not thinking about how my comfort zone is gonna happen next month or the month after that. Got too many lemons, and fuzzy skinned ones at that, which evidently are on the lemon tree of my life, that fall into my life when I least expect it.
SAC
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