Never Say Never

If someone were to ask my friends about what my personality is like they would probably say I was a nice person and some such rot. Or, to quote one of them, they might say I was a cream puff. But how many of them would say that I am ( knowing myself well or so I choose to believe ) defiant? Defiance has helped me wade through this mire known as life. I am ornery and I am cantankerous at times and I think it is a good part of my personality to be so. For all that I am a cream puff, I am a cream puff with an attitude, a marshmallow with claws.. I stop and smell the roses and listen to their thorns roar. 

I am disabled and live on the government's dole and have done so for decades. I was disabled by an assault when I was 22. I spent my time as a homeless person and thanked God for life on a day of hunger and biting cold. That helped me have gratitude regardless of the circumstances I might find myself in. Ok, so that makes me a cream puff but it also makes me defiant in the face of adversity. 

Do I have a rich dream life, a fantasy world where I am one of the rich and famous? Well duh. It keeps me sane. It also inspires me and helps me to create. I have created not one but hundreds of fantasy worlds. And hopefully one day I will profit from them. In the meantime they keep me from being bored. I started writing fantasy when I was in my teens. I had a three hundred page outline ( started at age 15 ) which was accidently lost when I was 18. So after that I abandoned fantasy writing for almost a decade. 

I concentrated on poetry ( starving, as my dad once told me I would ) and dancing. You don't get hired as a dancer if you dance to melodic hard rock and wear clothes but the flame of dance ate me up for 11 years until I gained weight and told myself I was no longer a dancer. Ok, I am still a dancer though weight gain, age and arthritis might mock my love of movement and music. I do not have the fantasy of stages to dance upon as I once did in my youth. That is one fantasy which has bitten the dust because of a reality check  that I made years ago. I had satisfied myself with what I did creatively as a dancer. A former student of Isadora Duncan once approached me in the Panhandle of Golden Gate Park. She had seen me dance and  she told me I reminded her of her teacher. So what if I was not world famous as a dancer? I had my day. The memories of dancing will stay with me as I grow older. And they are good memories. 

After I was disabled I eventually got on SSI. Within a year I began to start writing fantasy again. It had originally  been to mainly create a world and its history. I could not afford a typewriter or I would buy some old upright behemoth at a yard sale for ten bucks but would not have the money to have it repaired. 

Then in 1985 I was hit by  car while on a bicycle. I was 36. I was thinking of learning to use a word processor at the time and when I went to see about learning it I had PTSD of the car hitting me again. I was injured with neuritis in my left hand ( I am left handed ) and as a result of the injury could no longer type on a manual typewriter without horrible pain. The result of this was a world of frustration and overwhelming depression. One day I was listening to the radio and starting singing along to whatever song was on it ( I don't remember the song even though it impacted my life dramatically ). Voila! That triggered songwriting as singing brought me joy. 

Initially the songwriting was something to get me out of my funk of depression but, like many things creative, it took on a life of its own. In 1989, at the age of 40, I moved to Hollywood, that neon district of Los Angeles, shining bright with stars and limelights, which I hoped might have my name on them at some point. I sang a cappella at open mikes and pleaded for an accompanist that never showed up. Squirrelly young men made passes at me which was annoying rather than complimenting.

 I continued with my fantasy writing ( still in longhand, for the most part ) and scribbled out thousands of songs. From 1985 to 2009 I have written over 9300 songs and some of them ( stroke, stroke --- here is when I pat myself on the back  ) are pretty darn good if I must say so myself and of course I will. Others have told me how good I am. Which is lovely but I am still poor and unknown. 

I was/am poor, disabled, with no transportation, not so young ( ok, downright old in the eyes of the cruel and fickle world ) and not a size zero. But heck, I could make em shut up and give me pin drop silence at a noisy little Irish pub. I could make strangers come up to me and say "Beautiful" about my songs. 

In 1994 I fell on some stairs right after the Northridge quake which triggered the pre-existing condition ( I had convulsions from a twisted neck after the assault in 71 ). I am still spasmodic and have arthritis in not only my upper where the twisted neck pinched a nerve but also in my dancing legs and feet ( left knee, left ankle ). Sometimes I live with nasty pain. It is not always easy for me to get around. I walk with a cane. And riding on buses can trigger the spasms. 

I just turned 60 this last month. My friends and strangers tell me that I look about 45 or even younger. That is nice. I think it is defiance that keeps me young. It is never letting the dreams die that keeps me young. I am 60 years old and I still want to be a rock star. I have over 9000 songs and some of them are really good. I have a beautiful soprano voice and the experience to growl or purr or sing a lullaby. 

I am a late bloomer and a Pollyanna with an attitude. I will never say never. I will continue to have the dream. And one day I hope and I pray that my dream of self reliance, whether it come from my singing or from my writings, will see itself becoming  reality.  In the meantime I will never say never. I will remain defiant. And when ( I refuse to allow "if" into my vocabulary concerning this issue ) my little ship finally comes into the harbor, I will swim out to greet it and sing it a song to guide it safely to shore.

SAC

Changes ( costs an arm and a leg )

I am moving within the month so there is a ton of things I need to get done. And while I am trying to remain calm it is like a calm in the midst of the storm. And then there are the expenses. EEK. The cost of moving, the security deposit, the cost for getting the phone and cable and utilities turned on, all the deposits and service costs for that. YIKES. And then moving and getting settled. When I moved into Hollywood years ago, I paid my security deposit, got my phone turned on and moved in. I didn't have cable because there were a lot of local channels, unlike the cable monopoly here where one has to have cable or satellite tv or they have no tv. My utilities were included but out here I pay electricity ( here ) and will pay gas as well ( once I move ). 

I do have the money for that right now ( thank goodness ) but it does cramp my style as far as the things I feel I NEED. I don't know what all made it to my storage or what might have been stolen by a sticky fingered individual I am not gonna name ( he knows who he is ). So I hope my posts and and pans and baking sheets made the trip. I have moved THREE times ( including this next move ) since September 2007. Prior to that I had moved once in almost 13 years. So I had sunk down roots and it was a rude awakening to move not only once but so many times. I just want to feel settled in again. I want to be in a place where I feel as if I am HOME.  

Hopefully a year from now will see me truly settled after Hollywood and what bit the dust and needs to be replaced or forgotten about. It is the "replacing" part that I dread.  I do want to buy a left handed guitar and see about learning it. But if that is a resolution I break then so be it. And while there is a part of me that wants to do this immediately possibly I could still do this later in the year, depending on my finances and other things going on in my life. I am thinking that I might need to revise my resolutions so that the try to get to the World Con becomes the biggie resolution though it will be a cash drain to get there as opposed to the cost of the guitar. Because the WC is in San Jose and the next few years it is not going to get as close to me. And t would be a wonderful opportunity for networking and meeting editors from different publishing company who I could then show hollyWEIRD to. But we will see what the year brings. 

Then there are the things I want... a new tv ( my old ones are beyond ancient and have antennas but no plugs to hook up a VCR or DVD player ). And I need a decent camera and a camcorder as well. Oh the things I think I need... And then there is a decent double cassette recorder with a built in mic which I CAN NOT FIND. Well, that will be a rant for another time ( I promise ). The essentials will be just to get me moved and settled and sorted out. And then I need to get things together to type up hollyWEIRD and get it copyrighted at the DC money pit ( copyright office ) and also copyright at least another tape of songs. Then watch out world! I will see about getting hollyWEIRD published ( if nothing else I will see about blogging it here in another blog ) and uploading some videos of my songs to youtube. 

This new year is seeing a swarm of activity and change for my life. I am hoping and praying it is a good year and that all of this change will be for the positive. And once I move I might want to take a nap for 6 months or so to recuperate from the last couple of years ( sigh ) but I know that there will be too much that I need to get done. I have been working too hard for decades on what I do creatively so know that rather than relaxing I will want to get back to the writing and the singing as soon as possible after the move. 

I might not get cable hooked up as it is so expensive and the money saved could go towards other things I would like to get. I would miss HGTV and TCM but I can go to the HGTV website and the shows I enjoy on TCM I could order on DVD and end up with a nice little collection for the monthly cost of cable. And I am not satisfied with the cable as some channels I am paying to bleed into others so I can not see them ( especially VH-1 ) and others have disappeared. And the cost is too expensive ( more than my phone ). Even when I complain of the bleeding and loss of channels I pay for nothing is done to correct it. So I am seriously thinking of being without tv for awhile. Choosing between the internet and cable, the net wins hands down. I enjoy watching tv but can live without it.

Next month will see me in a new place and I am looking forward but also dreading the move. Hopefully by this time a month from now ( ok, maybe 2 months from now, as the phone will probably take longer than a few days to be turned on, grrrrrrr!!!! ) will find me sitting back and relaxing in my new apartment with everything turned on and working and my settling in. And hopefully by March I can find myself saving for things I would like or at least looking towards the future and seeing a way to cut corners to do so. 

And here is hoping and praying that I do not move again unless I become self-sufficient and can afford to buy my own house ( hopefully before the prices in the valley go up ). I am not thinking of that now, just of the move to make in less than a month. 

SAC

resolutions 2009

I have learned, in the past, that if one writes out a big old list of New Years resolutions that the vast majority of them, if any of them, will be broken. Last year was a rather dismal year. It had its high points but unfortunately its bigger low points. Which I am not going to go into here as 2008 is over and I am not looking back. I am looking forward. One thing about last year is I don't think I wrote down any resolutions but I did make two of them. I made a resolution not to drink alcohol for a year due to the substance abuse problems of some people I know. I managed to keep that resolution.  And last year was a year of turbulence and angst for me and I could have used a good drink or two upon occasion! This year I will possibly have that drink or two that I denied myself last year but not in front of those people who have drinking problems. It isn't that they need any excuse but seeing me drink might make them feel it is ok for them to drink. I do not have a drinking problem. I am lucky in that if it were drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, they were always something I never felt I had to have. If they were there sometimes I would indulge myself with them ( though not lately ). But I never felt I had to make them the center of my life. 

The other resolution I made last year was to finish my first fantasy book, hollyWEIRD. I did that. Ok, it is in the first draft but I am pleased with it and it is DONE. 

This year will be a little different. I will make four resolutions and then there are the "I am going to try and do this" sort of resolution.  That means I will try and do something but won't promise myself it will get done. It is more if it is supposed to happen it will happen and I will try. But no promises to myself to do it. 

So here are the resolutions: I will move and work towards getting settled. I will buy a left handed guitar and work towards learning to play it so I can accompany myself on it.  That should possibly be a try but it is going to be a resolution. What the heck. I am gonna go for it.  I will type up, print out and copyright hollyWEIRD. I will work towards taking the advice I often give others concerning counting my blessings. I will try and do this even if PMS ( post menopause sucks ) makes me feel angry, depressed or anxious. I will trust Jesus to carry me through the storm of my life and thank God for that biggest blessing of His love and salvation.

Now for the "I will try" sort of resolutions. I will try to make it to the World Con in San Jose in the fall. I will try and write another book. I might even try and put together a poetry book. I will try and get some music of me up on youtube and on itunes if possible. 

That is it for the moment. And as far as prayers, I am not going count them as resolutions. I ask God to bless this year and to use me for His glory. I pray Jesus blesses me according to His will and helps me draw closer to Him. 

Happy New Year and God bless you!

SAC

I love my friends RAVE

Since I moved out to the desert I have not seen my friends nor have I been back to my old haunts in Hollywood. Although we were not able to hook up for my 60th ( rant below on the 28th ) my two buds Bridget and Jeff drove all the way out from L.A. just to take me to lunch and celebrate my birthday. We went to a Mexican restaurant around the corner and then to Coco's for pie ( I had boysenberry which is my all time favorite ). We then hit a few thrift stores and they came over for a few minutes to my place before tackling the traffic of New Years Eve. Now is that friendship or what? What sweetie pies they are! I love my friends. They are the BEST. And I know they are gonna face the horror of L.A. traffic for New Years Eve ( Big major EEEEKKKKK!!! ). So this year, which has pretty much been a wash, ended on a high note thanks for my wonderful buddies. Thank you thank you Bridge and Jeff for driving the extra mile and cheering me up. Thank God for wonderful friends who are such a blessing. 

Video Revived The Radio Star RAVE

I just recently got a computer. Prior to that I had been on a Webtv ( which I still have ). And on the computer there are many thing one can do and see that they do not get with the high rent low memory browser of Webtv. Such as youtube.. I am an addict!  I have youtubeitis! I have discovered the music of my youth and so much more! It is great looking at old clips from Shindig and Hullabaloo. I have watched Pavlova and Little Egypt dance! And then there was Rudolph Valentino doing the tango. Not to mention the most violent dance of them all, the Apache -- which not only led to the Tango but also to the Lindy! I have discovered new bands to enjoy and new singers  -- more of older ones from the 50s or before on through the 80s. The other night I spent watching clips of "hair bands" from the 80s. That singer from Banshee is really cute -- and I am not into blonds! And that singer from Baton Rouge... now there is another cutie! It is fun watching all of this old footage. Garage bands of the 60s. Current girl goth punk bands of today. Mod and psychedelic fashions of the 60s --- check out Julie Driscoll doing Season Of The Witch. Tres cool!  Or seeing videos once seen in the 80s --- or from tv shows of the 60s. And wayyyy before that. Wild jazz music from the 20s and look at the flappers and their fashions. Wooohooohoo!!! Love em! Some of the music does not have video footage but people have put up an album cover and then played the music. And I am loving it. Of course some of the singers or bands are REALLY AWFUL. But there are also some great bands and singers to hear and enjoy. I hope to be able to do some rants raves and reviews here or on youtube in future months to comment on some of the really good and really horrible music I find. Part of the fun is reading the comments of others --- such as someone thanking the person who put up the music or video clip because it is something they had not heard in 40 years! While everyone talks of ipods and of various music channels and stations who would have known that my favorite "radio station" would turn out to be youtube? In this instance it is a case of  "video revived the radio star" --- including so many radio stars I either had never heard of or had heard of but had never heard. Here are just a few I have heard or seen in the last month or so: Sophie Tucker, Libby Holman, Helen Kane ( whom Betty Boop was inspired by ), Helen Morgan, Ruth Brown, Big Mama Thorton.  The original Shake Rattle and Roll ( it wasn't Bill Hailey and the Comets ). What a treasure! I have just started to explore rockabilly ( love anything Wanda Jackson does, what an amazing voice! ) and wait until I get to some of those old blues clips! SAC

Happy big 6-0 ( wanna drink ) Big rant

1. I am not happy today. It is my 60th birthday ansd I SHOULD be happy but it has been miserable from the git go. I was supposed to be celebrating it with family and friends and that basically did not happen. I have yet to figure out what the hell it is about me that makes my family treat me as if my life and celebrating it do not matter. Maybe because I am single never married. Maybe it is because I am the poor relation. Who knows? They have never accepted my disability as being a disability. So maybe it is their contempt of me for being disabled and they only consider me to be a deadbeat. I love my mom but no matter how I have tried she will constantly harp on the fact that heaven forbid I was a hippie chick back in the 60s. I tell her NOT to bring this up anymore, especially in light of a family member who has substance abuse problems. She can make excuses for his behavior and will then say "You did drugs blah blah blah. GET OVER IT, MOM!!!! I took up the straight and narrow half a life time ago or more and yet you go on and on and on and all I get is kicked to the curb over this issue. NO praise for who I am now and have been for DECADES. All I get is criticism because of a few short years in my turbulent youth. And today I got more of it. Excuses for the deadbeats or those who not only do not try but who will con and lie to keep up their bad behavior. I am sick of being your whipping girl. And do you make allowances for my birthday concerning this? NO. I was not responsible for the bombing on 9-11. I did not cause the Northridge quake or the L.A. riots. I am not responsible for the drug wars in Mexico. I am not the scapegoat of the universe. Nor, because I am the oldest sister of my siblings am I going to be the surrogate of the older sister of YOURS who beat up on you. I have more than bent over backwards to love you and try and please you and not one damn thing seems to make you do anything but see me as some little hippie who formerly used drugs recreationally. Last year I made a New Years resolution to not drink as there are family members who have problems with substance abuse including alcohol. This year I will make no such resolution as I definitely would have LOVED to have had a drink today... I could have used one.  Athol Brose would have been nice ( maybe for New Years day.. ). And next year my resolutions will include not to believe ( with the exception of one brother who has never flaked on me or been anything less than honest with me, a great guy; you know who you are ) anything someone in my family promises me --- especially as my mother will then find some excuse to make an excuse for them flaking on me and then will criticize me. 
   
2. Now on to the lemonade birthdays --- this birthday, which I had been so looking towards, was a big lemon as far as my family was concerned. I ranted on that enough so let me talk about my friends. I have great friends. Sure there have been false ones and turncoats along the way. But I have been blessed both with what I refer to as face to face friends and also my cyber buddies ( some call face to face friends real life friends but the truth is that many of my cyber buds as are real and more real in my life than those I have met face to face ). So my family handed me a big fat lemon for my birthday. They don't GET that my 60th birthday is on the day I was BORN 60 years ago. What is it? This is not a week day but for some freakin' reason they could not deal with actually celebrating it TODAY. And NO, the day BEFORE and the day AFTER are not THE BIRTHDAY when it is a milestone such as 60. However, while I was by my lonesome when it came to anyone being there to help me celebrate on this day in person I did get a lovely cyber party over at Prof H's newsgroup on Webtv. And I got emails from a couple of friends, was able to talk to Bridget and her hubby Johnny, got a lovely voice mail from my friend Jeff Copeland and had a nice chat with my friend David in New Mexico. So that made some lemonade of a weeping not too happy turning 60 and feeling 90 birthday... one last thing on this, it seems as if my "celebrating the 60s" theme is going to have to apply to the entire decade as it will take me at least that long to get over how my family continues to blow me off regardless of the day. 
3. Post script to my rainy day comment on suicides. One of my sisters pointed out that many suicides are committed by mentally ill, especially bi-polars. Depression sucks ( been there, had the pity party ) but I still stand by what I wrote --- for those who are not mentally ill. It does not apply to those with a mental illness. I would advise someone who is suicidal to first see if something worthwhile can help you get out of your funk. If not try and contact a mental health clinic about your problem BUT insist on being tested to see if you have a chemical imbalance as bi-polars should not take certain medications for depressives. I will be talking more on the subject of mental illness at another time. Ok, enough of this. Time to sign off on this lemonade birthday...   SAC

YOUR Wonderful Life

Over a decade ago I was in my hometown of Seattle. I had returned from visiting with an elderly great aunt who lived in Yakima. I had been in Seattle before and after that visit and while there I had enjoyed the  beauty of autumn and the blazing colors that were such a visual joy. But when I returned from my visit to my aunt I found that Seattle was dismal and gray. It was not just that it was rainy. Seattle is legendary for its rain. It rains year round, though it is not so much of a constant deluge, more of the ever present drizzle. Seattle winters are brutal when it comes to cold, wet and wind. The city that has been so vibrant in autumn's glorious gown of sunshine yellows, antique golds, flaming reds and warm browns was now leeched of color. The city was now shaded in the despairing shadows of gray gloom. This was the melancholy gray of the most sinister of depressions --- a suicide gray. According to statistics, more people commit suicide in that barren limb dreariness of winter in Seattle then in any other time of the year.

So let us talk of this time of the year. It is not only Seattle but it is the holidays of Christmas and New Years that also finds people deciding to exit this life by their own hand. Depression brings thoughts that life is no longer worth living, that life is something that a person need no longer hold on to as if it were a hoard of dragon's gold.  "No one loves me. Who will care if I am no longer here? My life does not matter." But those who kill themselves are wrong. Life IS worth living. and their lives might have made a difference if they had not selfishly decide to kill themselves. "Selfishly?" You might ask. How can one say that some poor soul who had decided to end their life is selfish? But killing oneself is a selfish and a cowardly act. It is a craven act against God and against life itself. 

What are the odds that one will be born in the first place?  It is chance and circumstance that has written much of that tale. What were the odds your parents would meet, that you would be conceived and then be born? Pretty astronomical, if one stops to think about it. And now you want to toss it all away. Why? Because your life is as gray as the weather outside. Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. I think I will eat worms and die. Oh boohoo! I am not accepting an invitation to your pity party. Nor would I show up at your funeral to mourn one who tossed away this great gift that was given to them.  

In the movie classic "It's A Wonderful Life" Jimmy Stewart plays a distraught banker of a small town who is facing ruin. He decides he will kill himself. Instead he "saves" his guardian angel who grants him his wish when he exclaims "I wish I had never been born." It turns out that he had lived a wonderful life that had saved others from poverty and even from death. His life had been a life worth living and at the end of the movie he realizes this. 

So what about your own wonderful life? Isn't it worth living? One can wallow in self-pity and depression to the point of considering or attempting suicide. Or they can do the best to find a way to make themselves feel good. Sometimes this can be a personal thing such as reading  an uplifting book or tackling some job around the house that needs doing and will make one feel satisfied once it is done. But there are other things one can do. Get off your duff and put aside your personal misery. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or a local homeless shelter. If you know of elderly or disabled neighbors, check on them and ask if you might help them in some way. It is YOUR wonderful life and you can use it to make others live better lives just because you are living and have chosen to give of yourself. 

Do not let the gray or the drear keep you down. Uplift the spirits of others and find out just how much your own life is really worth. You might be pleasantly surprised. 

Snooty Aunt Cynthia