packing blues

I hate to pack and move. I like to think that I have the strength to do this but... I wish that I did but after about half an hour I am wiped out. Luckily I have been packing for months so there is not a lot to be done. But still I know things need to get done and of course I would like them to have been done yesterday. Where did all of the energy go to? This time next month will find me moved in and my internet and cable problems hopefully taken care of. Just how "settled" I will be, however, is anyone's guess. I think the biggest problem I have ( besides the lack of physical strength ) is what I touched on yesterday. Right now I can feel the creativity starting to flow. I am agitated and restless and want things already settled so I can just jump in and CREATE. But this is a process that needs to be done and everything in its time. The creativity will be like an impatient date who sits around in the living room waiting for you to get ready hours past the time you were supposed to. So much that needs to get done besides writing and singing and of course what would I rather do? I need to finish the packing and then the unpacking and then find doctors and get new glasses and then there is that stupid jury duty nonsense.  And somewhere in all of that I will write.

This is a short breather and then pack to packing.

SAC

Writing my fantasy singing my songs

All I really want to do is write my fantasy, write and sing my songs. Being poor and disabled totally bites. I guess this move is getting to me because I have had to pack up the songs and the fantasy writing and the thought of not working on it all because I have to pack and then I have to clean this place up nice and then move and then unpack is driving me nuts. I do not want to do anything but work on the writings and the such. Though I haven't really worked much on the songs at all in this last month. This past year has been productive for me as far as the fanciful scribbles go because I have been able to get a lot done. I finally finished my first book of fantasy. I am pretty much done with my world building of some of my fantasy and that has been a major project for decades. I enjoy writing on my little blog but know that while I probably am gonna use this more for my boomer recollections, rants, raves and the like, I am gonna need to toss up a fantasy and a lyrics blog. Once I can figure out how to toss on some songs then I might even toss up some veddy bad instrumental backgrounds with beautiful vocals and meaningful lyrics ( the tunes will be good just not well played ). I always thought if I got my songs up it would be because I had a demo but that is so expensive that I figure that to get them up even though unpolished would be ok especially since I have heard a lot of REALLY BAD stuff out there on the web and even though what I will toss out there will have dismiss background musical noise I know my vocals are good. 

As far as the fantasy goes, I am wondering if I might toss up hollyWEIRD just so folks can read it and critique it. Though I might throw out some of the other projects I am working on. I am gonna now write a little about my writing projects, many of which I am been working on for decades.  What I am thinking of doing is creating a blog or possibly multiple blogs to introduce the world to what I have created. And what I would really love ( aside from a publisher who would love me and be good to me, films, comics, and a rabid fan base ) would be to have others discover my worlds and then create blogs to write within my worlds, stories based therein. I love to read and can not think of anything I would enjoy more so here is just a little about my future endeavors. 

Once upon a time a person  got lost on a freeway in Orange County, California. They got off on the wrong exit. When they returned to the freeway and returned home they discovered it was 50 years later... welcome to Westgrove, California where this hapless driver took the wrong exit. In Westgrove you can find yourself, through dimensional portals, in the otherworld. The otherworld is in 3 sections. There is Biddenlarn ( borderland ), Faireland ( fairyland ) and Witzenlarn  ( witchland ). I have finished work on Biddenlarn and have completed some stories for it. I have a series of books sort of outlined for it as well. I have notes on FL and WL but have not yet completed mapping them out yet. 

Besides Westgrove and the otherworld I have the Absurdly Tall and Luxurious Hotel ( ATALH ) which has 550 floors, many levels below the lobby ( parking, service and storage, sewers, pits etc ) and a rooftop pool, spa and space port that takes one to the space station above it. From the space station a person can take a flight to hundreds of planets and galaxies ( the open worlds as the closed ones are just too gnarly to venture to ). One of the worlds is the world of ZooVeen which I started at the age of 15 ( but probably had another name for it which is lost to the mist of time ). ZooVeen has hundreds of countries ( I never do anything small in my fantasy ) and it also has time periods and history. Which then brings me to Elderlarn ( elderland ),  the Evil Moon and Mildenlarn ( middleland ) which is on ZV. I am working on that and I think it might be what I open up for other writers first. But it is a toss up between that and Biddenlarn. Decisions! Decisions! 

I also have written a few children's stories and might have another blog just for those. So once this trauma of the move is finally OVER I hope to start in on that. There has been the big move ( from Hollywood to Indio ) the transitional move which brought me here to Cat City and the little move ( back to Indio but to a nice place ) which hopefully will be for quite awhile unless I can get rich and own my own little piece of dirt somewhere. But it has not been an easy move and has been wrought with frustration and worse. I hope and pray the move goes smoother than the last two and that I can finally settle in and find some peace in my life again. 

I guess the biggest frustration of creating and running across the roadblocks is the fact that if you are as latently artistic as I am the thing you want to do is to continue to create. BUT I do want an audience for what I write and what I sing and I hope to finally get things moving in that direction. The goal is to find a publisher who will be sympathetic with the fact that I m the sort of writing who primarily wants to write and that will take care of their end by publishing me. Moe on this in months to come.  I do want to eventually see my fantasy as games and books and other things. So we will see what the future holds. 

PS to ME It has been over 4 years ( count em ) since I had new glasses and I really need to get new ones. I can hardly read what I write. Hopefully once I get new glasses ( whenever ) I can stop getting so many visits from Mis Typo ( I know she loves me but still.. )

SAC

The Little Move Etc

I have had problems with my internet connection lately and this is driving me absolutely bonkers. I have wanted to browse other blogs and also reply to anyone who has graciously commented ( thanks to any and all and at some point I hope to reply to comments ). I am going to try and get on prior to the move which is coming up before the first. I am excited about the move but also gong through the typical angst of moving. The process is NO FUN but has to be done. And I feel good about where I will be moving. I moved out here to be closer to my mother who is 81 and to be a short distance from here will be good. I believe that, in the long run, it is something that I will look back upon in the future and believe it was the best thing I could have done. Even though mom and I have our "moments" she is MOM and I love her so dearly. To be here with her and for her makes any problems small in comparison to not being near her and hardly seeing her. 

My wonderful niece Rachel passed away at 29. And I know that I was able, in some small way, to lighten her burden. Being a normal savant, an artistic genius, I know what it is like to be treated as if I am less than human because I am artistic in a technological world that does not value the arts. Besides being beautiful, Rachel was a fabulous artist on so many levels. And I always told her so. She thanked for this the last time I saw her. Sometimes one makes decisions in their life hat are not necessarily be what they want to do. In Rachel's case, I would have been willing to have moved up north where she lived to help her. I had not yet told her this but she passed away before we could have had that conversation. In my mom's case, it was a decision to be near and hopefully to help her that was the catalyst that moved me back to the desert in almost 20 years. While I miss Hollywood and my friends there I know that moving here to be near mom was the right decision. But, I hate moving! 

Even if one were in a financial situation where they did not have to pack and rent a U-Haul it has to be a hassle. First, there is the packing. Then there is the moving. After that there is unpacking. Then there is the half-comatose state one enters into for months as one gets over the trauma of moving. But by this time next month I will hopefully be settled in from the little move and get back to living a life. 

Of course THEN I will have to go see about JURY DUTY. I think the state has me on speed dial when it comes to jury duty. Some people never get called. I ALWAYS get called and it infuriates me because I am disabled. Now lots of able bodied folks resent it when the disabled said they are not up to jury duty. The state now requires a disabled person to have a doctor's note. The problem with that is many disabled do not have the finances to go and get a doctor's excuse every year. Well that is a rant for another time ( ha ha, like my "other time rant" on cassettes that will happen one of these days ). 

I took the day off from packing and will get back to it tomorrow. My arthritis is acting up and I have been also having spasms. Plus, my back has been acting up. Of course all of this happens right as I am packing to move.  There should be some sort of variant to Murphy's Law about moving. There probably is. I am happy to have my little blog and feel that maybe within a few months I will be able to figure out how to put on photos and maybe even music. And be able to get my life back. 

SAC

President Obama, Hillary and the Macman's blog

Today is the first day of the next four years under our first biracial President. While everyone talks up the fact that he is African-American, what seems to get lost in the shuffle is the fact that he is half white and was raised by a white mother who came from the Midwest. To me that makes who he is and what he has achieved even more remarkable. The races have come together within his own DNA. I wish him the very best in helping our country to heal to be all of us rather than some of us and THEM ( whomever THEM might be ). We certainly need to heal after the last 8 years. Two wars and the economy in shambles. I personally wish that there were no bailouts for all these rich banks and Wall Street. Is that helping the average American? I think not. But what happens in the future is now on the shoulders of a man who today took the oath of office. I would not want to run for President in the very best of times. It would be an incredible burden. But for those children to aspire to dream those dreams, having a biracial president has made that dream even more possible for ALL of us rather than just some of us. I am hoping and praying that Obama does a good job and that in 4 years we are on the road to recovery. 

In 8 years ( if he does a good job he will be re-elected unless Americans are unspeakably brain dead ) maybe we can break the glass ceiling and put a woman in the White House. Of course, being a Democrat, I would say that would probably be Hillary Clinton though who knows what female would come up through the ranks to challenge the status quo. After all, who was Barack Obama 8 years ago? And while I am certainly not "for" a Republican president, even if it were to be a woman. I want the best person for the office of President and it would not matter their gender, the color of their skin, superficial things such as that. 

So for now we have a biracial President, and we are hanging our hopes on him to make things right after so much wrong. It will not be easy and one hopes that we can do this together, Democrats and Republicans, Greens and Independents, as much as possible. I hope that we can put America back to work and I hope that we can return to strong unions with in shop training and a decent wage, pensions and health benefits that won't bankrupt a family. Hope, hope and more hope and yes we can! But we need to all roll up our shirt sleeves and get to work to make this country great again.

 I am an American and love this country. I do not  love her blindly, right or wrong, as I will speak up when it is wrong ---but that is part of the beauty of being an American, knowing that I CAN speak up when I might disagree with the majority on any given issue. Right now the majority is in a warm fuzzy afterglow concerning our new president. I will praise him when he does good and criticize when he screws up. And he will and already has his naysayers and they have the right to criticize him. That is the beauty of living in a country with  a first amendment that protects our free speech. I might not agree with you but will defend your right to disagree with me when it comes to the Constitution of my country. Considering that there are countries where you could be shot for criticizing a ruler that is a big thing.

Now on to another subject. This little blog came into being with the help of my brother Hal aka the Macman. He is also the hiking man and has climbed some pretty high mountains. Right now he is working on his New Years' resolution to hike every day this year. Check him out! He is listed in my blogs that I watch. But you can also get there :http://hikeeveryday.blogspot.com/ He has some witty little comments and some beautiful photos of the Coachella Valley (Palm Springs is what outsiders call it but folks who live here refer to the area as the Coachella Valley or the Valley as Palm Springs is only one small city in the Valley ). And you can tell him his sister, the Snooty Aunt Cynthia, sent you for a peek. :-) 

SAC

Meet Mis Esmeralda Typo

Anyone who has ever instant messaged someone knows that they are probably ( we are talking about the normal person here ) dashed off a message and ended up with it full of typos. So I created a cantankerous sort of character to deal with my typos and introduced her to my friends -- Mis Esmeralda Typo. She is snooty ( like a certain Aunt Cynthia ) and does not like to be ignored. And if you do not acknowledge her then she will show up. Sometimes she shows up with an attitude and sometimes she is just excited to see you. Now why am I mentioning her on my blog? Welllllll, she has shown up here and wanted everyone to know of her existence. So in the future, those of you who might stumble across or become ( one hopes ) avid readers of my humble little scribblings, you will know it is not because I am some dumb such and such when it comes to  spelling but it is merely that Mis Typo is wanting to make your acquaintance through my writings. While she is not as snotty as me she is working at it. 

SAC

Happy Birthday EAP, JJ, MLK, EM, DP and Libby

What a day January 19th is for birthdays! For some folks, of course, the BIG birthday day is December 25th, the alleged date of the birth of Jesus Christ.  In His case it does not matter when He was born but THAT He was born. Three days later is my birthday. I share it with Woodrow Wilson and I'm in between Marlene Dietrich ( the 27th ) and Marianne Faithfull ( the 29th ) two cool blondes if there ever were any. Add me and you have three cool blondes. :-) In January, there is the celebration of the king of rock and roll, Elvis Presley. And I am sure that a certain David Jones aka Bowie has always loved sharing his birthday with "the king." 

I have always loathed my birthday, which, as Holy Innocent's Day, is considered to be the unluckiest day of the year. Considering how accident prone I have been over the years there might be some validity to that. But I have two other "birthdays" I can celebrate for myself. I can celebrate my "half birthday" which is on June 14. That would make me 30 rather than 60 and that would be quite fine with me. And I would not have to hear the dreadful "I would have bought you a birthday present but I spent it all on Christmas ( and not for me ) or "This is your birthday and your Christmas present COMBINED." Asking someone born near Christmas if they have ever heard that before and they will break out into hysterical laughter. And after Christmas sales --- my parents remembered them differently --- they would take me out to get things for my birthday at all of those lovely after Christmas sales. Of course they also would drag along my younger siblings who made out like bandits l but my parents never remembered spending any money except on me. Sigh. I still haven't been able to convince others they should toss me a party ever couple of years on the 14th of June. But I am working on it. 

My dad and my aunt Juanita both had the same birthday in November. I had  near death experience, also in November, and my beautiful niece Rachel was born 3 years later on that day. So that day will always be special for me, especially as she passed away at the age of 29, in 2007. I would so have loved for her to have lived her 30th birthday and celebrated it as a full and not a half birthday.  When her mom Libby and I celebrate our birthdays and turn 29 again we know Rachel is with us as she is celebrating her 29th birthday forever.

And then there is January 19th. My friend, Eddie Madigan, was a 19th of January guy. He loved his heavy metal and was crazy about Ronnie James Dio. Eddie was in a band. He was a singer. He died at the ripe young age of 21 from a bee sting. And yes, I will always miss him and be saddened that he died so young. Did I mention he was a singer? What is it about this day that makes so many singers, so many talented people? Janis Joplin was born on January 19th. I knew the lady and respected that powerhouse white girl blues voice of hers.  Janis knew I had a younger sister who was born on the same day. Libby has a smooth silk voice is more like Karen Carpenter ( ok, granted, it would be a KC singing doowop...) than Janis Joplin but until she discovered that beautiful voice of hers she WANTED to sound like Janis. There is also Dolly Parton, she of the tiny hourglass figure, the big blonde wigs and the sweet as sugar soprano singing about a bargain store or that she would always love you but please don't mess with that redhead named Jolene.

Probably one of the biggest influences of many American writers was Edgar Allan Poe. His birthday also falls on January 19th. His wonderful macabre poetry, his dark tales of terror, the first detective tale ( he was credited with originating the mystery genre and today the finest in mystery writers receives its Oscar equivalent: the Edgar ).  My own fantasy writing often borders on the dark side and I know where credit is due so thank you Edgar. You were one of my earliest influences. 

 Speaking of writers and also of speeches, who can forget the words spoken so eloquently "I have a dream" said Martin Luther King who was, you got it, another January 19th birthday baby. He has his own national holiday that people celebrate. Today we honor and celebrate the birthdays of those we love and admire on this, a birthday of singers, sisters, writer/poets, and preachers for civil rights We look towards their unbirthday of tomorrow when the world watches as we celebrate another birthday --- the birthday of civility, the birth of a new beginning, a biracial president who will hopefully give hope to the hopeless, and bring back the dignity that this nation has been lacking since its highest office was swindled by a favored son. 

Happy birthday, Libby. And may it continue into tomorrow as we see a new day dawning and a hope for not only our future but for that of our children and theirs.  

SAC

ISP Blues Rant and Blog surfing Rave

I log on today and poof I found that the isp was not being nice to me... GRRRRRR! Why does life have to be so complicated? Even now the connection is being iffy on me. One of my girlfriends called me today and when I mentioned what was happening she said it is possible that there was a lot of traffic or this or that. PHOOEY. Since I am paying for high speed I want my high speed to be there and on... no excuses. Since I have moved into the desert I have not been happy with the cable or the phone service. But let's here it for the fact that people here need cable ( don't get me started on the digital switchover nonsense that the big corporations have suckered a number of the American public into believing they must have ) or they have no tv.  But there is one cable company for the entire valley. Hmmm, in the good old days that would be called monopoly. The same with the phone. While my cell phone is a different company, the landline here is one company and you have to have that one or you don't get a landline. So their service for all of that can be so so and they don't care as they if you don't go with them that you don't get service in your area. My WebTv was also acting up earlier so there might be some validity to what Angie said. But that doesn't mean I am happy about it. When I want to get online I want to do it right then and there and not hours later. Patience is most definitely not a virtue of mine when it comes to the internet.

On to better subjects. Yesterday I meander around surfing the blogs and found some to add to my list of must look at. Now if I can just stay online long enough to do so.... I clicked on the blog of the day for 2008 as this month and then bookmarked some and added some to follow. Word to wise to bloggers -- make it easy for those of us TDs ( tech dummys ) have a nice little spot where we can click on to follow your blog and you might get folks who can then click on when they are on their own blog. At any rate, I added blogs that looked interesting with a number of different subjects. And in the following days, weeks and months I have gonna have fun wading my way through them. And hopefully some of these fine folk will come and visit me and I might get to know some new friends. The internet has been wonderful for that and I look forward to new addresses for my Christmas card list. :-)  

Analog In Digital World BIG RANT

Ok, as I mentioned in my last post, I am the tech dummy of the universe. Considering I am 60 years old ( when the heck did THAT happen hahaha! ), this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise.  When I was a child computers were the stuff of science fiction. I am also artistic and I have found that a lot of artistic folk, especially musicians, are not tech savvy either. So that brings us to this digital thang... Give me my analog! At least give me the opportunity to CHOOSE whether I want analog or digital. Now I realize that there are folks out there that prefer digital and think it is just wunderbar. Well, I am not one of them. I much prefer analog for a couple of reasons. First of all, it sounds better. Analog is warm and it has a nice big fat sound. To my ears ( ears that the late, great Jimi Hendrix respected, just so you will know ) analog is the sound that I hear. I have heard the argument that digital is the truer sound. For whom? Not for me! I am not just talking about the sound I hear when I turn on a record player or a cassette player. I am talking about the sound that I hear when I wake up ( usually in the afternoon because that I am a night owl ). I do not hear birdsong in digital. I hear it in analog. Before the advent of digital, the media went on and on about what a great sound it was and how superior it was to analog it was. Excuse me? What planet were they on? How about the planet called corporate greed? It is the big corporations who have been shoving this pure unadulterated "digital sounds better than analog" nonsense down our ears. No it does not sound better. I remember the first time I heard digital. They were phasing out cassette tapes ( more on my cassette recorder rant for another day. I promise! ) and shoving CDs that were twice as expensive down our ears. Of course all the yuppies out there went to replace their records and cassettes with the new toy on the block. And the big corporations and their paid for media waxed eloquent about how cassettes were no longer selling ( just for the record, no pun intended, they did the same thing when they brought out cassettes and phased out vinyl ) and how CD sales were doing so wonderfully.Of course they did not tell the public that they were no longer putting out cassettes of current artists and so even if people wanted to buy a recording on cassette they could not find them and the CDs were priced twice as much or more. I was dismayed, not only because of the price of the CDs but because they did not sound as good as the cassettes or my old vinyl records. Digital sounds sterile, it sounds brittle, thin and cold. It does not have the nice big fat analog sound, Record producers must agree with me because they record in analog first to get that great sound. And don't even get me started on that digital switch over from analog... ok, get me started on it but that is another rant for another day.

SAC

Oh YES I AM a tech dummy...

I recently had a problem with my internet connection and had to call in the big guns ( my brother Hal, the Macman ) but that was the least of it in the long run. While I HAVe learned to log into my blog and write my wonderful words of wisdom, simple little things such as figuring out some of my email and getting back to certain places or saving websites and then clicking them on and naming my folders... EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!! Somebody take me back in time where typing was mailing a letter and sending it off, typing on a manual typewriter blah blah blah and then well, just things like that. I am soooo not a tech person. I have yet to figure out my VCR and it is obsolete now and there are other items I have that have never been used because I just am NOT MECHANICAL. It boils down to mechanics, electronics and technology. And no, I do not know how to drive. I have mastered the art of turning on the tv and of clicking on channels and even being able to hit mute or the return to the last channel button. Bully for me! And I am very upset about how the stupid manufacturers are phasing out cassette players ( another rant for that on another day ). Because I do know how to click on buttons and turn things on and off and even figured and fiddled with learning some equalizer features... But technology has left me in the dust.. and those who are so arrogant and their attitudes... sheesh! 

The attitude is that one must change with the times but I have a huge problem with that. Why should I change when what worked yesterday ain't broken and I don't really feel it needs to be fixed. It needs to be brought back. The biggest problem with technology ( aside from the crippling price of anything new ) is that those who create it need to learn that lovely principle of "KISS." No, not KISS as in the rock band but KISS as in Keep it simple, stupid. 

I keep telling myself that things will suddenly get better, I will finally unravel the mysteries and learn how to use this durn thing and that life will be good. 

I need to learn to type up and save what I type and be able to then toss it onto a usb thingy and also learn my printer and type up my fantasy stuff longhand.  Then I need to learn how to make little videos of the future star, Snooty Aunt Cynthia, and toss em onto youtube. Then the star of the 60s that never was, Psyche Daul of the Psychedaulics, the band that never was, can have her music created on garage band and that can get tossed onto itunes and youtube. Ah the ambitions of the over the hill ( which is better than under it unless one owns a cave ) spinster with her dreams of glory. Now if I could only use this technology thing that I am soooooo lousy at to help me achieve those dreams rather than thwart them. 

SAC

frantic and offline

Ah for my brother Hal who is the tech smarty to my tech dummy! For some cockamamie reason  my internet was not working on Thursday. Pfft. So I tried it on Friday and no go. Of course by then I am totally freaking out. I call my brother Hal, the Macman and he comes over with his two boys to check out my little Angel ( as I now call my Mac. I was calling this machine Butch but it seems more like an Angel, or at least I hope that it one day will be in the sense of "angel" being an investor in my creative endeavors . He fiddled around with it and HE couldn't get it to work. So he came back today and called Verizon ( who does not do weekends when it comes to service so of course if things go wrong they do so on weekends. I think that is some sort of variant of Murphy's Law ). He talked with them a bit and did some stuff and voila! I am back in the saddle again.. yippie yippie and more yippie. I probably was going to write some wonderful and profound stuff but forgot what it was.. okay, maybe I didn't but that can wait for another posting as this one is to just show my gratitude of being back online. 

The ever humble SAC

Never Say Never

If someone were to ask my friends about what my personality is like they would probably say I was a nice person and some such rot. Or, to quote one of them, they might say I was a cream puff. But how many of them would say that I am ( knowing myself well or so I choose to believe ) defiant? Defiance has helped me wade through this mire known as life. I am ornery and I am cantankerous at times and I think it is a good part of my personality to be so. For all that I am a cream puff, I am a cream puff with an attitude, a marshmallow with claws.. I stop and smell the roses and listen to their thorns roar. 

I am disabled and live on the government's dole and have done so for decades. I was disabled by an assault when I was 22. I spent my time as a homeless person and thanked God for life on a day of hunger and biting cold. That helped me have gratitude regardless of the circumstances I might find myself in. Ok, so that makes me a cream puff but it also makes me defiant in the face of adversity. 

Do I have a rich dream life, a fantasy world where I am one of the rich and famous? Well duh. It keeps me sane. It also inspires me and helps me to create. I have created not one but hundreds of fantasy worlds. And hopefully one day I will profit from them. In the meantime they keep me from being bored. I started writing fantasy when I was in my teens. I had a three hundred page outline ( started at age 15 ) which was accidently lost when I was 18. So after that I abandoned fantasy writing for almost a decade. 

I concentrated on poetry ( starving, as my dad once told me I would ) and dancing. You don't get hired as a dancer if you dance to melodic hard rock and wear clothes but the flame of dance ate me up for 11 years until I gained weight and told myself I was no longer a dancer. Ok, I am still a dancer though weight gain, age and arthritis might mock my love of movement and music. I do not have the fantasy of stages to dance upon as I once did in my youth. That is one fantasy which has bitten the dust because of a reality check  that I made years ago. I had satisfied myself with what I did creatively as a dancer. A former student of Isadora Duncan once approached me in the Panhandle of Golden Gate Park. She had seen me dance and  she told me I reminded her of her teacher. So what if I was not world famous as a dancer? I had my day. The memories of dancing will stay with me as I grow older. And they are good memories. 

After I was disabled I eventually got on SSI. Within a year I began to start writing fantasy again. It had originally  been to mainly create a world and its history. I could not afford a typewriter or I would buy some old upright behemoth at a yard sale for ten bucks but would not have the money to have it repaired. 

Then in 1985 I was hit by  car while on a bicycle. I was 36. I was thinking of learning to use a word processor at the time and when I went to see about learning it I had PTSD of the car hitting me again. I was injured with neuritis in my left hand ( I am left handed ) and as a result of the injury could no longer type on a manual typewriter without horrible pain. The result of this was a world of frustration and overwhelming depression. One day I was listening to the radio and starting singing along to whatever song was on it ( I don't remember the song even though it impacted my life dramatically ). Voila! That triggered songwriting as singing brought me joy. 

Initially the songwriting was something to get me out of my funk of depression but, like many things creative, it took on a life of its own. In 1989, at the age of 40, I moved to Hollywood, that neon district of Los Angeles, shining bright with stars and limelights, which I hoped might have my name on them at some point. I sang a cappella at open mikes and pleaded for an accompanist that never showed up. Squirrelly young men made passes at me which was annoying rather than complimenting.

 I continued with my fantasy writing ( still in longhand, for the most part ) and scribbled out thousands of songs. From 1985 to 2009 I have written over 9300 songs and some of them ( stroke, stroke --- here is when I pat myself on the back  ) are pretty darn good if I must say so myself and of course I will. Others have told me how good I am. Which is lovely but I am still poor and unknown. 

I was/am poor, disabled, with no transportation, not so young ( ok, downright old in the eyes of the cruel and fickle world ) and not a size zero. But heck, I could make em shut up and give me pin drop silence at a noisy little Irish pub. I could make strangers come up to me and say "Beautiful" about my songs. 

In 1994 I fell on some stairs right after the Northridge quake which triggered the pre-existing condition ( I had convulsions from a twisted neck after the assault in 71 ). I am still spasmodic and have arthritis in not only my upper where the twisted neck pinched a nerve but also in my dancing legs and feet ( left knee, left ankle ). Sometimes I live with nasty pain. It is not always easy for me to get around. I walk with a cane. And riding on buses can trigger the spasms. 

I just turned 60 this last month. My friends and strangers tell me that I look about 45 or even younger. That is nice. I think it is defiance that keeps me young. It is never letting the dreams die that keeps me young. I am 60 years old and I still want to be a rock star. I have over 9000 songs and some of them are really good. I have a beautiful soprano voice and the experience to growl or purr or sing a lullaby. 

I am a late bloomer and a Pollyanna with an attitude. I will never say never. I will continue to have the dream. And one day I hope and I pray that my dream of self reliance, whether it come from my singing or from my writings, will see itself becoming  reality.  In the meantime I will never say never. I will remain defiant. And when ( I refuse to allow "if" into my vocabulary concerning this issue ) my little ship finally comes into the harbor, I will swim out to greet it and sing it a song to guide it safely to shore.

SAC

Changes ( costs an arm and a leg )

I am moving within the month so there is a ton of things I need to get done. And while I am trying to remain calm it is like a calm in the midst of the storm. And then there are the expenses. EEK. The cost of moving, the security deposit, the cost for getting the phone and cable and utilities turned on, all the deposits and service costs for that. YIKES. And then moving and getting settled. When I moved into Hollywood years ago, I paid my security deposit, got my phone turned on and moved in. I didn't have cable because there were a lot of local channels, unlike the cable monopoly here where one has to have cable or satellite tv or they have no tv. My utilities were included but out here I pay electricity ( here ) and will pay gas as well ( once I move ). 

I do have the money for that right now ( thank goodness ) but it does cramp my style as far as the things I feel I NEED. I don't know what all made it to my storage or what might have been stolen by a sticky fingered individual I am not gonna name ( he knows who he is ). So I hope my posts and and pans and baking sheets made the trip. I have moved THREE times ( including this next move ) since September 2007. Prior to that I had moved once in almost 13 years. So I had sunk down roots and it was a rude awakening to move not only once but so many times. I just want to feel settled in again. I want to be in a place where I feel as if I am HOME.  

Hopefully a year from now will see me truly settled after Hollywood and what bit the dust and needs to be replaced or forgotten about. It is the "replacing" part that I dread.  I do want to buy a left handed guitar and see about learning it. But if that is a resolution I break then so be it. And while there is a part of me that wants to do this immediately possibly I could still do this later in the year, depending on my finances and other things going on in my life. I am thinking that I might need to revise my resolutions so that the try to get to the World Con becomes the biggie resolution though it will be a cash drain to get there as opposed to the cost of the guitar. Because the WC is in San Jose and the next few years it is not going to get as close to me. And t would be a wonderful opportunity for networking and meeting editors from different publishing company who I could then show hollyWEIRD to. But we will see what the year brings. 

Then there are the things I want... a new tv ( my old ones are beyond ancient and have antennas but no plugs to hook up a VCR or DVD player ). And I need a decent camera and a camcorder as well. Oh the things I think I need... And then there is a decent double cassette recorder with a built in mic which I CAN NOT FIND. Well, that will be a rant for another time ( I promise ). The essentials will be just to get me moved and settled and sorted out. And then I need to get things together to type up hollyWEIRD and get it copyrighted at the DC money pit ( copyright office ) and also copyright at least another tape of songs. Then watch out world! I will see about getting hollyWEIRD published ( if nothing else I will see about blogging it here in another blog ) and uploading some videos of my songs to youtube. 

This new year is seeing a swarm of activity and change for my life. I am hoping and praying it is a good year and that all of this change will be for the positive. And once I move I might want to take a nap for 6 months or so to recuperate from the last couple of years ( sigh ) but I know that there will be too much that I need to get done. I have been working too hard for decades on what I do creatively so know that rather than relaxing I will want to get back to the writing and the singing as soon as possible after the move. 

I might not get cable hooked up as it is so expensive and the money saved could go towards other things I would like to get. I would miss HGTV and TCM but I can go to the HGTV website and the shows I enjoy on TCM I could order on DVD and end up with a nice little collection for the monthly cost of cable. And I am not satisfied with the cable as some channels I am paying to bleed into others so I can not see them ( especially VH-1 ) and others have disappeared. And the cost is too expensive ( more than my phone ). Even when I complain of the bleeding and loss of channels I pay for nothing is done to correct it. So I am seriously thinking of being without tv for awhile. Choosing between the internet and cable, the net wins hands down. I enjoy watching tv but can live without it.

Next month will see me in a new place and I am looking forward but also dreading the move. Hopefully by this time a month from now ( ok, maybe 2 months from now, as the phone will probably take longer than a few days to be turned on, grrrrrrr!!!! ) will find me sitting back and relaxing in my new apartment with everything turned on and working and my settling in. And hopefully by March I can find myself saving for things I would like or at least looking towards the future and seeing a way to cut corners to do so. 

And here is hoping and praying that I do not move again unless I become self-sufficient and can afford to buy my own house ( hopefully before the prices in the valley go up ). I am not thinking of that now, just of the move to make in less than a month. 

SAC

resolutions 2009

I have learned, in the past, that if one writes out a big old list of New Years resolutions that the vast majority of them, if any of them, will be broken. Last year was a rather dismal year. It had its high points but unfortunately its bigger low points. Which I am not going to go into here as 2008 is over and I am not looking back. I am looking forward. One thing about last year is I don't think I wrote down any resolutions but I did make two of them. I made a resolution not to drink alcohol for a year due to the substance abuse problems of some people I know. I managed to keep that resolution.  And last year was a year of turbulence and angst for me and I could have used a good drink or two upon occasion! This year I will possibly have that drink or two that I denied myself last year but not in front of those people who have drinking problems. It isn't that they need any excuse but seeing me drink might make them feel it is ok for them to drink. I do not have a drinking problem. I am lucky in that if it were drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, they were always something I never felt I had to have. If they were there sometimes I would indulge myself with them ( though not lately ). But I never felt I had to make them the center of my life. 

The other resolution I made last year was to finish my first fantasy book, hollyWEIRD. I did that. Ok, it is in the first draft but I am pleased with it and it is DONE. 

This year will be a little different. I will make four resolutions and then there are the "I am going to try and do this" sort of resolution.  That means I will try and do something but won't promise myself it will get done. It is more if it is supposed to happen it will happen and I will try. But no promises to myself to do it. 

So here are the resolutions: I will move and work towards getting settled. I will buy a left handed guitar and work towards learning to play it so I can accompany myself on it.  That should possibly be a try but it is going to be a resolution. What the heck. I am gonna go for it.  I will type up, print out and copyright hollyWEIRD. I will work towards taking the advice I often give others concerning counting my blessings. I will try and do this even if PMS ( post menopause sucks ) makes me feel angry, depressed or anxious. I will trust Jesus to carry me through the storm of my life and thank God for that biggest blessing of His love and salvation.

Now for the "I will try" sort of resolutions. I will try to make it to the World Con in San Jose in the fall. I will try and write another book. I might even try and put together a poetry book. I will try and get some music of me up on youtube and on itunes if possible. 

That is it for the moment. And as far as prayers, I am not going count them as resolutions. I ask God to bless this year and to use me for His glory. I pray Jesus blesses me according to His will and helps me draw closer to Him. 

Happy New Year and God bless you!

SAC